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Article:
Shy Guys: Languaging for Success by: Susan Dunn, MA, The EQ Coach Language is a behavior potentially under our control, and a powerful loop. It's how we act upon the world, and how the world acts upon us. It's how we express our thoughts and feelings, and it also influences our thoughts and feelings. This includes what we say to ourselves as well as what others say to us. Barring physical force, language is how we get what we want. Being able to name something gives power. I'm not talking about naming furniture. I'm talking about the hard stuff. It's 'the nameless dread' that gets to us. We can deal with 'I hate asking women out and risking rejection.' (After you read this article, you'll reframe that as 'It's unpleasant to risk rejection, but I'll guts it out to get what I want.' If you can name reactions, you can think and plan a strategy. When you realize there's fear (of losing her) behind your anger (she's going on a vacation alone), you can avoid doing something stupid. A pounding heart and blind anger are good for telling you what you want, not good for getting it. A man doesn't always choose a verbal strategy, but it must be in your repertoire, and it's women's #1 strategy. How do people know you're shy? Once you show up, they know from your language'verbal and nonverbal. At a party, a shy guy hangs back, walks the edges of the crowd, doesn't interrupt a formed-group, waits for permission to speak, and says little. Eye contact is brief, gestures small, and posture tense. It's as if he's trying to 'make small.' Compare this to the mating strategy of most male animals who puff up, bellow, rear on their hind legs to appear taller, extend their arms and beat their chests, and 'make big.' The message is, 'Look at me. I've got it. You want it. Come get it.' Women who see a shy guy think he's in distress and they either want to change you (kick your butt), avoid you (dead end), or help you ([s]mother hen). Do you like those options? I'm not telling you what to do, but if your shyness is keeping you from getting the women you want, you might want to try something different. 1. Manage your self-talk about women. Locker-room talk with the guys happens, but if that's how you refer to women in your own head, objectifying them as body parts is going to manifest and you'll drive the good ones away. Get neutral and positive in your head. Your date isn't a 'babe,' a 'dog,' a 'ball-buster,' or a 'heart-breaker.' She's a woman, she's got a name, she's got traits, qualities, and a personality. And don't tell me 'men fall in love visually.' That's like saying 'toddlers throw things when they get mad.' We have a 50% divorce rate going on right now, and it isn't because a man trying to marry a pair of legs is such a great idea. The divorce rate for second marriages is 60%, and for third, 70%, which means those that didn't learn the first time, don't learn again, and that's the definition of insanity -- doing the same thing and expecting a different result. Marriage is a lesson in learning TO love A REAL HUMAN BEING, not falling IN ove with a turned-up nose, which requires EQ, and if you made a bad call, like choosing a woman whose bra size is bigger than her IQ, it's one long painful trip to hell that can wreck your health and finances. It's particularly risky to marry a woman 20 years younger. The odds are against you, heavily, and smart guys play the odds, right? You would have to be at least '40
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