It's amazing what you can learn about marketing if you can just find the time to spend in a dentist's waiting room. I was reading a certain woman's magazine, which will remain nameless because of my allergy to lawsuits. The magazine obviously has figured out what sells well, given that it operates on a consistent formula.

For instance, one cover proclaims: '3 sizes slimmer by Memorial Day'. Then, in one corner is a picture of 'Cookies 'n Cream Cake', while in another corner is a picture of ''Lollipups' to brighten someone's day'.

On another cover, the main headline is: 'Lose that BELLY FAT!', while a secondary headline asks, 'Can't stop binging?' Just to make sure that readers can answer, 'Yes', there is a nice picture in the corner of a 'Banana Split Cookie Cake' labeled 'Yum!', and the promise of 'Family-pleasing Pasta dinners' inside.

See a pattern? Let's try one more. The big headline reads: 'Lose 28 lbs by Thanksgiving'. How? Perhaps the big picture of a 'Oreo Cookie Cheesecake' labeled 'Yum!' will give us a hint. Or the promise of 'Best-ever Potluck recipes'.

OK. By now I am sure you see the pattern. That's right '“ poor grammar, punctuation and capitalization.

The other pattern is, of course, the secret success formula:

Offer you a way to lose weight

Tempt you to put the weight right back on

Offer you another way to lose weight

I pointed this out to my dentist, hoping he might decide to increase the quality of reading material in his waiting room.

The next week, I returned to find that my observation had obviously made an impression on him. There was all new reading material: Yummy Deserts Magazine, Best Cakes Review, and The Sugar Mountain Weekly.

I noticed the dÃ©cor had changed, too. Gone were the bare beige walls. Up were larger-than-life posters of cookies, cakes and ice cream. And strategically placed around the room were candy dishes.

'What's with all the changes?' I asked.

'It's all your idea,' he said. 'You are a marketing genius. If I can get people to start working on their next cavities as they are walking out from my office, I can increase my business by up to 17%.'

As he began to work in my mouth, I noticed a TV screen above. 'Datz nuu,' I said.

'Oh yes,' he answered, flicking a button. 'See? I have it set at the All-Sugar Channel.'

The dentist finished excavating and reassembled what was left of my mouth.

'Here you go,' He said proudly, handing me a lollipop.

'Didn't you used to hand out toothbrushes?' I asked.

'Shh. Don't remind anybody of that. Toothbrushes are bad for business,' he explained.

I just could not believe what I had seen. I headed over to the body shop to see how my car was doing. A few repairs were needed, thanks to some bozo on a cell phone who thought that a red light means 'stop when you hit another car'.

'How's my car doing, Jack?' I asked.

'It's OK. You didn't get hit too hard,' he replied.

'Good thing he was only talking on a cell phone and not watching a game show on TV when he hit me,' I remarked. 'Hey did you see what's going on at the dentist?'

'Yeah, what's he doing with all those cookie posters in his waiting room?' Jack asked.

I explained how the woman's magazine was building its customer base by tempting dieters with cakes labeled 'yum!'

'It's the dentist's new business development program,' I said.

I was about to pay for the repair work when Jack held out a cell phone and a mini-TV set. 'If you take the cell phone, I give you a five percent discount. Take the TV set and you get a ten percent discount.'

'What are you, doing?' I demanded.

'Hey,' replied Jack. 'It's my new business development program.'

About The Author

David Leonhardt is author of Climb Your Stairway to Heaven

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